I’m starting this post while sitting at the airport in Indianapolis IN, returning to AR after the week long visit for my Dad’s funeral. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and heart. I will try to capture them here, but I can’t guarantee that they will make sense. I think it will feel good to get them on paper, though.
Emotionally, I feel that I have been through a month long marathon of feelings, both on the surface and buried deep inside me. Over this last week I have felt heartbreaking pain and blissful peace as I have reconciled my feelings for my Dad. I have to admit that the first thought that crossed my mind when my sister Sandy called to say that Dad has passed was to just ‘show up’ for the funeral. But I knew that she needed support to handle everything and that my duty was to come as soon as possible. I knew it would be a hard time for me, but I also knew that I needed to do it. I know that God is with us through every thought and feeling in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be pain. But I trust Him more than anything and I knew He would be with me through it all.
It’s been stressful for me to be the only person that everyone was actually communicating with lately. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t necessarily great relationships, and there has been time periods throughout the years when Mom didn’t speak to me, Dad didn’t speak to me and each of my sisters have been estranged from me. It’s just the dynamics of my family from as early as I can remember. I can’t even begin to imagine what a family that likes each other (even a little bit) would be like. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating that the ‘normal’ for my family wasn’t good. And therefore, any life-altering event was complicated by the relationships. I’ve gotten to the point that I tell whoever can’t stand the other at the time to ‘just stay the heck away from each other’. That’s the best advice that I can offer them. I wasn’t looking forward to being in my hometown amidst the people and relationships that cause so much pain, sadness, doubt and regret. But God was right by my side through it all.
I felt kind of numb as I traveled on Wed, the day after they found Dad. He had actually died on Sunday evening, but wasn’t found until Tuesday evening. The cause of death was a ruptured aortic aneurysm, and it’s believed that he passed in his sleep. He didn’t look like there was any distress and he looked peaceful. People keep saying that it’s the way to go. I’m glad that he didn’t suffer pain.
I stay with my sister Sandy when I visit Indiana, and this is where I needed to be to help her, too. There was so much to do and to take care of that it kept us distracted from too much of the emotions. What a physical mess Dad left with his house and his personal papers and such. It is way beyond what most people go through at a time like this. But it was keeping us busy.
I think the hardest part for me through the whole experience was to hear how nice and giving Dad was to other people. That’s a good thing, but it was hard to hear when most of my life I have experienced his expressed disappointment in me. So much of my issues with self-worth have come from my relationship with him. He was cold, critical and judgmental with me for as long as I can remember. I think that my relationship with him affected my image of what God is like. I was always afraid of God and thought he was like my Dad with high expectations and no forgiveness at all. But those feelings are what drew me to a relationship with God when I finally found out who God really is. How precious to me is my relationship with God, who loves me unconditionally and patiently and forever. So I guess I can be thankful for my hurtful relationship with my earthly Dad to make me treasure my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
Throughout the plans and meetings and conversations and duties that come with settling an estate, planning a funeral and just dealing with people at times like these, I worked through wave after wave of emotions, some of which I didn’t even know that I had buried inside. It was so painful at the time, but so healing in the long run.
I can say that I truly forgive my Dad for his part in the relationship that we had (or didn’t have) and I’m no longer jealous of how he treated people, some total strangers, better than his own daughters (especially me). How healing for me now.
Over the years, I’ve tried to let Dad know that I loved him. I think he knew. He has always had a lot of difficulty expressing emotions and once I realized that a lot of the aloofness was caused by that and not totally on his feelings for me, I started to be more open to showing him love and not being afraid of being pushed away. That all came from God and I’m grateful for that.
It was interesting talking with Sandy as we tried to remember childhood memories, especially happy ones, and we can’t remember much. I thought maybe it was just me, but I think we subconsciously block out things from our early years when we don’t know how to deal with them. But that’s okay, because that’s how it was and it’s in the past now. I think Sandy is like me, also, in the fact that due to our childhood, we don’t want to see children suffer emotionally when parents go through divorce and all the ugliness that followed. I know she showers her grandkids with much love and devotion. And I loved my stepsons dearly and tried to protect them from the ugliness of their parents divorce. I have also championed kids everywhere so that they will feel loved and worthy of that love. Another good thing to come from a not so happy childhood.
One part of the duties to make funeral arrangements was to talk with the minister who would handle the service. Dad was a member of First Christian Church since he was a child. To my knowledge, he never went to church after he was married to my mom and I never remember him ever going to church at all. He would send a donation every year, and even had a couple of pictures in the church directory made after his divorce (I guess he was starting a new life), but he said that the checks were as close as he wanted to get to church. He once told me that he didn’t like being ‘preached to’. He was baptized in the Christian church when a teenager. I don’t know what all that entails in that denomination, but I pray that it means that he accepted Jesus Christ as Savior. During the funeral message, the minister (who didn’t know Dad at all or the history of our family) said that Dad was a loving and loyal father who took us girls to church and shared his faith. That untruth, even though well intended, was hard to listen to. But the minister did the best he could with what facts he had. I was afraid that Jesus wouldn’t even be mentioned in the service and that broke my heart and ate at my soul. But I was thankful that there was a faith message shared. I missed having lots of Christian friends around to lean on, and I pray that those in my family who don’t know a saving relationship with Jesus will come to know him soon.
I have always dreaded the trips that I made back to Indiana after I moved to Arkansas in 1990. Sometimes I wouldn’t go back for a year or two. I always felt the stress of trying to run interference between the people who don’t get along. Even though there is still a long way to go with the family relationships, there was a lot of healing that happened over the past week as we gathered for Dad’s funeral. I feel at peace and I’m not anxious over any event. Things will happen as they happen and it’s not up to me to be a protector or mediator. We all need to take responsibility for our parts in the interactions and to make the decision to accept, love and forgive each other. I pray that the healing continues.
I feel at peace. As I have been spending more and more time serving in Nicaragua over the last 18 months, I have found it easier and easier to disconnect from my family in IN. But after this past week, I feel more connected and in a good way. I’ll be going back to IN for my niece’s wedding on Feb 11 (just a few weeks from now) and a 2 week visit. Then I’ll be off to Nicaragua (after a few days in AR) for 6 months. Even though I will only be back in the states for a month or so in the late summer, I intend to visit my family in IN during that time, too. It feels good to look forward to it.
God has worked so much healing and growing in my heart and mind this week. I would never choose this experience, but God knows what is best and I’m thankful that He guided me through it.
God is in the business of forgiveness and redemption. He knows us all and all our ‘issues’ with this life and those that we have relationships with. He knows the best plan for redeeming us to a relationship with Him and for restoring and preserving loving and forgiving relationships with each other. I’m so thankful for that.
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